Dining on canned food in Lithuania

As I am a passionate consumer of canned goods, I always check out what food items are available in preserved form in the countries that I visit. It can give you a bit of a rare insight into the national character to see what people regard as worth while to put into a can. And even more – what they are willing to eat from a can.

This time, while visiting Lithuania, I was lucky enough to stumble upon a real gem. Both in terms of “the canned culinary experience”, and in terms of cultural insight. And although it is not actually produced in Lithuania, it is sold here. Ladies and (for the most part, I guess) gentlemen – I give you: The magnificent “outdoor kitchen” line. A complete collection of conserves for all your needs.

#1 The drivers can (Vairuotojų užkandis)

The fat is still liquid and the whole things is very much recognizable as pig. The texture is very nice, with good bite resistance. Not too salty, and with a very good taste of pig’s fat. I would not be surprised if this is a Lithuanian favourite. If you are on a diet, you can always strain the fat. And even if you don`t – this is still healthier than Snickers for lunch 

But if you have women around – throw the can out after eating. The smell may bring back happy memories for you, but it may not have the same effect on everybody. On the other hand, at just above 500 calories, and with the edges of your mouth dripping with liquid fat – What’s not to like? A driver could do much worse. 

But seriously, get rid of the can as soon as you can – the smell will drive you crazy. It even leaves a mark on your urine for at least 24 hours. That unmistakable smell of pig’s fat.

#2 The bicyclist can (Dviratininko enegija)

Well, you know you have eaten at least after this meal. The long fibres stuck to your teeth are a constant reminder of that. Didn`t like it much, and the texture is largely to blame.

Completely unremarkable and quite tasteless. I would recommend adding some boiled peas and such, for the texture. Rather shitty when compared to the first can, even though the meat was probably better. Not much more to say, really. Perhaps bicyclists are easier to please than motorists?

#3 The builder can (Statybininko stiprumas)

By far the best tasting one yet. Lots of liquid fat that you can leave in the can, if you want to. Good texture. It is clear that they have saved their top product for their number one target group. This is an absolutely acceptable meal for a builder – in combination with a good beverage. This product can keep you well-nourished for your entire visit to Lithuania. A saturating and yet gentle taste, truly worthy of a man. And if you are famished, you can always drink the liquid fat. At only a very modest number of calories per 100g, you can actually afford to. 

And as a general rule – it is always a good sign when the can sprays a little fat on you when opening – just to say hello 

#4 Dinner by the water (Vakariene prie vandens)

After coming up with such an unusually poetic title, you would imagine they would take the trouble to at least mince and compress the meat a bit. But that aside, the taste was very nice. Why it had to be swimming in fat, I do not know but there is probably a very good Latvian reason for that. 

Seriously, it looks a bit like that vat of aligator Food I saw in a James Bond Movie 

Anyway, this is one of the best in the range, and definitely the best if you are looking for a light snack. Despite the fact that it was bordering on chicken soup. Who decided that chicken was best suited for water activities I do nok know, but this can will anyway keep you at least four hours away from starvation if you are out paddling or fishing, or doing any other traditional form of water activity. Coming in at second best, this this can is as fresh as if it was laid down the same morning. And it is thereby a true example of the superiority of conserves when it comes to food preservation.

Real men eat to defeat hunger. At least those real men that are content with getting their meal from a can. And the manufacturers behind this line seem to have achieved this insight. They anyway seem to very much cater to those men, by labelling each can with a specific male activity. Like driving or building. You won’t find any cans saying:

“For when writing your PhD has kept you up all night” – The doctors delight

“For when you just can`t eat another foile gras” – the Francophiles friend

“For when square roots have gotten the better of you” – the mathematicians friend

In fact, the world of conserved food still has a long way to go, and sadly this line of products is only too politically correct. It doesn`t cover some of the other situations in which a man needs a readymade and unpretentious meal. Such situations could be:

“Hung over without helpful women around” – The drunkards relief

“Forgot to shop in time and has empty fridge” – The disorganized man’s best friend

“Has broken fridge and no money to buy a new one” – The poor man’s pillar

“Traveling, but does not want to overcomplicate eating arrangements” – The globetrotters gold

With a few such additions, this genius line of canned goods will be complete. It will cover all the situations in which a man will have to provide food for himself. And as long as the manufacturers make sure that long time use does not causes malnutrition (at least not if combined with beer and vodka) we are well on our way to my futuristic vision – the grocery shop for MEN. A shop that only stocks the 100 products that you really need. Including your 10 basic canned meals, and your 20 different brands of vodka.

Yes, we CAN!

Why Lithuanians don`t smile

...we are serious people here. Life is not a joke

When visiting, you will soon notice that smiling Lithuanians seem to be about as rare as unicorns. This fact is one of the bigger and unaddressed issues in Lithuania, since many Lithuanians think it is some kind of "fake news". They do smile, they just don`t do so very often. Who the first Lithuanian was to stop smiling in public is not known, but somehow it caught on. Lithuanians in public often seem to practice some kind of full-face version of the British stiff upper lip. They are not officially amused.

An artists impression of how this glorious tradition came into existence

Everybody look like they are on their way to, or just came back from, a funeral. The whole country seems to be in some kind of mourning. Not so much over a good friend, but rather some aquaintence whose death at least requires a serious face. And not only that, but a funeral that they in some part blame YOU for. And this is normal. It takes some getting used to, but that stage will eventually pass. And when it does, you will see that this is acutally not a bad way to live. You ignore the others, and they ignore you - untill someone chooses not to.

Christopher Columbus - perhaps the most famous Lithuanian to date.

And as you can see - even he knew how ko keep a straight face

So in other words - if you are a big fan of non-verbal communication, Lithuania is perhaps not the ideal holiday destination for you. It can at the very least leave you a bit confused. In the eyes of a westerner, everybody seems to communicate a kind of "fuck you" message. Even shop attendants and others that we commonly expect to try to be as helpful and forthcoming as possible. There is however no reason to be alarmed. This attitude is ferfectly common, and it is not necessarily YOU that are doing something wrong.

This gentle, old woman might come accross as a bit reserved, 

from a western perspective. But that may not be the case at all

I first suspected that this was some kind of collective public mourning, like when those Irish riverdancers started dancing with their arms straight down to commemorate the victims of the potatoe famine. Who knows, Lithuania is a significant potato producer, perhaps they were also affected by this dramatic agricultural incident?

Lithuanian version of Mona Lisa. What is she hiding behind that mysterrious smile?

Other theories included deliberately avoiding stimulation of the blood flow to the face to avoid heat loss during the cold winters, or that they were concerned with avoiding wrinkles. Both theories seemed feasable, but when it comes down to it - Lithuanian winters are not really that cold (and besides, just look at the eskimos - they seem to be smiling all the time) and even though Lithuanian women are rather preoccupied with their appearence, I doubt they have sacreficed such an alluring weapon of attraction as the smile purely on the alter of beauty.

The president of Lithuania - not moving a single facial muscle

A smiling president would of course be unthinkable

Some say the lack of smiles relate to a fear of not being taken seriously, while others explain it with some kind of heritage from soviet times. The possible explanations are many, but not conclusive. A more fruitful deductive approach might therefore be found in analyzing the groups of people that WILL smile at you in public in Lithuania, and look for a pattern. These groups include:

Drunkards, obviously

1. Drunk people
2. Crazy people. There are not many of those roaming the streets, but they can be found
3. Crazy drunk people.For some reason this seems to be a popular cobination world wide
4. Foreigners. Usually people who have just arrived, like tourists
5. Gay people. The open kind that is, of which there are not that many.
6. Retarded people. They don`t know any better
7. Drunk and crazy retarded gay foreigners. A group mainly created by assumption, but you may also be assumed to be part of that group if you go around grinning recklessly in Lithuania
8. Friends and family. This is the part that can be difficult for a visiting tourist to see, because he usually has neither when he first arrives. And because of this - NOBODY WILL SMILE TO YOU! After all, people don`t want to be taken for crazy drunk retarded foreigners, do they? They are serious, proper people.

So in other Words - the smiling situation in Lithuania will just have to be accepted "as is". This is just how they distinguish serious people from the outcasts. And if we look on the bright side: Are you feeling bad about yourself because you are not happy like everybody else? Do you feel pressured into constantly showing the world how happy you are? - Then Lithuania might just be the holliday destination for you. But be careful that you don`t enjoy it so much that it makes you smile.

When Lithuanians DO smile, it allegedly happens in situations such as this one: 

Alone in the field, while gently fondling the grain

Does this article make you concerned about the future of this misunderstood People? Not to worry! Fake american smiles will arrive with time, just as sure as western sugarlazed snacks and fast food are sure to eventually fatten the asses of the so far rather skinny Lithuanians. Just as they have done in any other liberated country to date.

Lithuanian herring dishes – a simple pleasure in a complicated world

Herring is one of the best choices when eating in Lithuanian restaurants. It is quick to prepare, inexpensive, and also healthier than most other things on the menu. Perfect for the inpatient tourist on a budget with a bad conscience for having eaten too many cepelinai.

Herring - one of the lighter options on the Lithuanian menu of traditional foods

It might strike you as odd that there is such a strong herring tradition in Lithuania, despite the fact that this is not a nation with strong fishing traditions, but the quality of the herring dishes here can sometimes be surprisingly high. Ironically enough, my home country is one of the largest exporters of herring in Europe, yet we have hardly any restaurants that even put it on the menu.

Herring is a common item on Lithuanian menus, but rather unusual in many other countries

The fish itself is rather unremarkable. It is either good or bad, and only makes a difference if it is bad. Most of the herring arrives at the restaurant salted in brine, and is served pretty much “as is” after being watered out a bit. This makes it almost undistinguishable from the herring that you can get in grocery shops, but as mentioned – it is not the fish itself that makes the herring dishes great. The magic lies in the composition.

A rather unremarkable example that only covers the basics

- herring, onion, potatoes and sour cream

“What goes well with herring?”. This is perhaps a matter of individual preferences, but I think the best universal answer is “Lots of things!”. The most important thing is that the accessories make the herring into a complete meal. I personally think the list should include:

·         Sour cream (big lump, high fat)

·         Boiled potatoes (not fried)

·         Boiled beetroot (diced)

·         Green peas (not Cold)

·         Red and yellow onion slices

·         Tomatoes (sprinkled lightly with salt and olive oil)

·         Cucumbers (both raw and pickled)

·         Sprinkled with scallions and dill

Some restaurants also add such things as cabbage, diced apples, sauerkraut, hemp seeds or even mayonnaise and cheese. Some of which go just fine with herring individually, but in my opinion, they just don`t fit in the bigger picture.

Herring served with cheese, mayonnaise and dice apples

The amount of herring should be proportionated to the accessories, and together they should fill the plate. The whole idea should be that you make something very humble and make it the centrepiece of a beautiful lunch of dinner by choosing good accessories and arranging everything nicely on a plate. Not all restaurants manage to do that.

One of the most successful herring combinations I have encountered to date.

 Served in Kursmariu Vila in Pervalka on the Curonian spit.

The normal Version includes green peas, and is usually much better arranged

In addition, many restaurants are not aware of how quickly seafood goes bad if it is left opened, so I am usually reluctant to eat such things as crabs of oysters in the middle of the plains – far away from the nearest oyster beds. With herring, you at least know that the fish was always preserved in a state that will take an almost deliberately irresponsible chef ta make it go bad before it reaches your table. You are in fact far more likely to be poisoned because the same chef didn`t clean the vegetables properly. If you are eating a clam soup in a remote part of Aukstatia – your odds are a bit different.   

A modest herring plate - usually available at an equally modest price

Final tip: If the herring is expensive while most other things on the menu seem cheap, chances are that the plate will be lavish. In comparason to the standard herring plate, that is. 

Ideally - it should look something like this

Final challenge: If you are feeling adventurous - there are places in Samogitia where they serve some kind of locally infamous herring soup. This soup bears the mark of all great and unusual traditional -  It is either loved or loathed. You either like it or you don`t. And for most people it is perhaps an acquired taste, but probably not a taste acquired through eating the actual soup itself. Find it, before it finds you.

The herring Soup Challenge is the one on the top - Šmakals

Final comment: Something is definitely wrong with the world when a Norwegian had to travel to Lithuania to get his first decent plate herring. But who knows – Lithuanians might in time bow in awe to our potato dishes and make the irony complete.

Since I will og on trying various herring dishes, I will just simply post pictures of them here as I og along:

I mean, it`s herring and all. And a good meal, but where are the estethics?

Same restaurant, same dish - but this is the lavish version. They skip the sour cream, 

add plenty of mayonaise and cheese and put the boiled potatoes in the pot. Horrible!

Whoever came up with these two dishes...has no love for herring, thats for sure

Miesto Sodas herring. Very nice to look at, with some nicely made potatoes, 

but still not the best.What happened to the onions and peas? 

Was Christopher Columbus Lithuanian? Seven reason why he COULD have been!

According to Portuguese historian Manuel Rosa, the man we know as Christopher Columbus was in fact none other than the firstborn son of Grand Duke Jogaila and his fourth wife Sofija Alšėniškė. A man who mysteriously disappeared after the Battle of Varna in 1444. Or something like that. For the long and detailed explanation see http://www.draugas.org/news/was-columbus-a-lithuanian-prince/ 

The Grand Duke of Lithuania, later also king of Poland,

and now - even alleged father of Christopher Columbus

Initially, it seemed to me as far-fetched as those theories about how the pyramids were left by aliens, or that Atlantis was an advanced post-industrial civilisation. Just about as close to fake historical news as you can get. But on the other hand – there are people out there who claim this to be true. And after all, his surname does end with "-us".  So I gave this some serious thought – did this nation of ambitious emigrants really foster the greatest emigrant of the all? Was Columbus as Lithuanian as fried black bread with cheese? Here are seven reasons why I think this myth is at least plausible:

1. Columbus had a quick and easy solution to a complicated problem

How to reach India in a quicker and less expensive way had puzzled Europeans for centuries, but he was convinced he had the answer. By boat, of course! The only drawback was that it was a bit risky. Another textbook Lithuanian approach. Even the somewhat mythical (and much later) story about the Columbus egg supports this character trait – a strong ability to not only think outside the box, but to completely disregard the box all together.

Perhaps the best proof of them all: When Columbus discovered the West Indies,

he was wearing flip-flops - the national shoe of Lithuania

2. Columbus had great ambitions, but no money

A typical Lithuanian dilemma, which Columbus solved in the traditional fashion – he borrowed as much as possible from somebody else, and gave little thought to the possibilities of failure. His expedition was in its entirety funded by Spanish Crown, and if it had ended in complete failure…well, the king and queen would not have been very happy. Then again, there are Lithuanian solutions to such problems as well.

Columbus seen borrowing Money -

in the manner viewed as most appropriate at the time

3. Columbus deliberately obscured his background

People can have individual reasons for doing this. I guess if you are a foreigner in strange lands it can sometimes make sense to do so. Lithuanian emigrants are anyway known to do this. He was never seen writing in the language he claimed as his native language. His CV in terms of sailing was suspicious to say the least. He only learned Latin late in life, and it has to date been impossible to find a contemporary picture of him. On the other hand – who would have financed an inexperienced sailor from virtually land-locked Lithuania to go as far as to the end of the pier?

People go to Extremes to get Money.

Columbus did as many of his countrymen before him -

he disguised himself as somebody else. And now: HIS face is on the money

4. Columbus was in an unexplainable hurry

Like most Lithuanians. No sooner had he gotten the idea of going by boat to India, did he commence his intensive lobbying of the royal courts in both Portugal and Spain. People had been pondering this problem for centuries. The American continent had remained undetected for thousands of years, yet he had to go RIGHT NOW! If BMW had been making sailing ships back then, he would have probably gotten one of those.

What the Columbus expedition might have looked like today

Full speed ahead!

5. Columbus was quick to jump to conclusions, and reluctant to change his mind

When he arrived in the new world, he quickly named the inhabitants of the East Indies “Indians”, even though they were clearly not inhabitants of India. Much like any Lithuanian would do in a similar situation, he went to his grave believing that his initial assumptions were correct. He must have had some doubts during his later expeditions, but kept them to himself, rather than to go back on his previous claims.

And his stubborn persistence bore fruit -

to this day the word "Indian" is commonly used about people of native American decent 

6. Columbus went into emigration several times, but eventually came back

Columbus made four trips to the new world, and throughout this period he was always telling everybody how great things were over there. Yet, he himself came back in the end, and died in Spain. Perhaps he had pension rights in Europe, or maybe he just didn`t like the new world too much? In true Lithuanian spirits, however, even his remains went into emigration after his death. First back to Hispaniola, which he discovered in 1492 (claiming it was India), then to Cuba in 1795, before they returned to Spain in 1898. So here is a man who manages to emigrate one final time even after he is dead. How much more Lithuanian can you get?  

Real migrants are not even stopped by death.

Perhaps it is time for Lithuania to request that the remains of Columbus be returnet to his ACTUAL homeland?  

7. Columbus was cheated out of his profits in the end

As indeed many Lithuanians abroad do. He made lots of money for his patrons, but became too greedy and was eventually cheated out of a large part of his share of the profit. He claimed 10% of the profits of the whole “America-thing”, and was of course laughed out of the royal court. But did that make him lower his demands? Certainly not! He instead wrote a book about how he and his family was entitled to this and that in terms of wealth and glory. I`m not sure how the Columbus family was compensated in the end, but if they were truly Lithuanian – they are fighting fiercely over the remains to this day.

Columbus depicted late in life.

As you can see, he is clearly displeased

From a sociological perspective, I have no doubts – Columbus was definitely Lithuanian, if not by blood the at least by nature. Ironically, his expedition also became indirectly responsible for introducing the potato in Europe (since potatos were originally introduced to Europe from America). This means that even though this former Grand Duke did let his people down at the battle of Varna, you could claim that there would have been no cepeliniai without him.

The Lithuanian national dish just got a little bit more Lithuanian.

Perhaps it is time to rename it?

Should I learn some Lithuanian before going to Lithuania?

The short answer is "no, don`t bother". People will most likely not understand you anyway, and even if they do, most of them will be laughing their asses off over your terrible pronounciation. That will probably settle the case for most people, but there are always some stubborn individuals who percist in defying both authorities and common sense once they have gotten an idea in their heads. For those pig-headed polyglots I have only one thing to say: "Have at it!". Here are a few tips along the way:

1. Speak loud and Clear. Shout if you do not find it inappropriate

Bring me some CEPELINIAIAI!!! Your hand written Samogitian menus do not scare me!

2. Have confidence. Preferably overconfidence

You need to seem convinced that you are speaking correctly, in either one language or another. Speakers of Lithuanian can smell inconfidence and interpret it as a sign of weakness. If bread is pronounced DUUUUUNA from your perspective, then stand your ground. They will eventually understand.

"KURR TOOOOALETTASS?"

Just give it some time, and people will understand.

After all, these people even manage to understand EACHOTHER.

3. Be immune to laughter

Remember that Lithuanians are not supposed to smile or be happy in public, and maintain a serious face. They too will soon remember this and stop laughing. Also remember that you willingly put yourself in this situation.

"GALLUUU HIER ZU PARKIERAMS???"

You are of course being ridiculous, but she might rather let you park on her lawn

than risk being seen laughing in a public place

4.Go with what you know (or think you know)

If you can provide a nice bouquet of words that are more or less correct for the occation, some bystander gifted in riddles will eventually figure out what you want.

Aš nori WEATHER COCK zu pirkt!!!

Anyone trying to sell this overpriced product will get you at once

5. If all else fails, switch to PR English and speak it PERFECTLY

Try using the most difficult and uncommon words that you can think of (preferrably try to channel Steven Fry). This will remind them of their own short-comings, and will usually result in a much more undertanding atmosphere. (This one actually helped me out of a traffic ticket once)

"Jevvla møkakjering so gje meg sild og ost i syltetøyglas

når eg klart å tydele har bestilt kjøtbolla. Skulla hatt i rævæ me øks"

OR:

"Dear lady, I believe that there has been a minor mix-up with regards to the orders leading up to this meal. You see, I do not so much crave herring as I am inclined towards a more meaty-type dish. And I believed that to be our mutual understanding of the situation.....hmmm? Am I much mistaken...? 

PS: Never leave a potential insult hanging, so if you think the waitress is seecretly ridiculing you in her native Sanskrit-like language while leaving your table - curse her right back in your local dialect! Insecurity works both ways.

Lithuania - the safe choice to avoid terrorism

With the world in turmoil after yet another cowardly terrorist attack against one of the most popular travel destinations of the world, the British Prime Minister now proclaims that “things have to change”. That is perhaps also the thought going through the minds of many holiday makers these days. How to stay safe while on holiday? How to avoid getting killed by terrorists while enjoying my vacation? Something must change! But what!

As luck will have it, the answer to this question is rather obvious. It is time to take control of your own risk – it is time to seek refuge in irrelevance. Terrorists are simple people, and they tend to lack imagination when it comes to picking targets. They seem to prefer larger cities in the more famous countries, such as Paris or London. You can turn this geographical ignorance to your advantage by going the other way – to the lesser known parts of Europe, like for instance Lithuania.

The land of Vytis - the unknown holiday paradise for people seeking safety

Over the years, many refugees that later turned terrorists or raised children that grew up to become terrorists, have fled to Europe. But there are however countries that not even potential terrorists bothered to flee to - and Lithuania is among them. This, in combination with the fact that Lithuania is one of the least popular tourist destinations in Europe, makes it the perfect place to go for a terrorism-free holiday.

Nothing spells safety quite lite the Lithuanian countryside

(although this photo is from a museum)

And why stop there? For maximum risk-reduction I recommend seeking out the least popular parts of the country as your destination, just to be on the safe side. Since Lithuanians themselves seem to be fleeing the countryside and flocking to the cities, I guess a nice little village would be the perfect spot. Some kind of “Kaimo turizmas”, perhaps? A nice little guest house by a quiet lake where grandma can cook you pancakes while you sip your vodka.  On the other hand, the well-renowned Russian head of state Vladimir Putin has on several occasions warned against these country-side retreats being terrorist breeding grounds (so-called "Kaimo terrorizmas"), so it might still be wise to stay alert.

The real deal - no terrorists in sight 

Putin himself actually constitutes the only military threat to the area at the moment, at least if we are to believe NATO, but this threat is probably exaggerated. After all, last time I checked there were plenty of potato fields in Russia, so there is hardly any call for an invasion. But on the odd chance that there will be one, it is probably a good idea to stay clear of the Russian tanks and rehearse the phrase “I am here as a tourist” in Russian. Most likely you will be OK. At least if you are in a village. So I guess it boils down to what kind of risk you prefer – Putin or IS.

Lithuania is every bit as full of non-muslim infidels as the rest of Europe,

yet their eastern way of life is rarely attacked.  

I personally prefer the former, and will be holidaying in the rural parts of Lithuania yet again. Where it is nice and safe. Lithuania in general has one of the most ethnically homogenous populations in Europe, and this practically makes Lithuanian villages conformity heaven. In terms of personal freedom of expression and such this can of course be a bit of a drawback, but in terms of safety it is a great advantage. People will spot anyone looking like a potential terrorist immediately and will keep a close eye on him to see if he behaves terrorist-like. And if he does, we can rest assured that he will be dealt with swiftly. Because even though most Lithuanians do not own guns, they are still well equipped with more traditional weapons such as hammers, axes, knives and pitchforks. And their skill level in handling these weapons is such that they can be expected to eliminate any terrorist threat almost momentarily.

A firm Lithuanian rural woman - ready ro respond to any threat a the drop of a hat

The rest is entirely up to you. Going to Lithuania is not completely without risk, but if you follow a few basic guidelines, like not getting stinking drunk while gambling with prostitutes and gangsters, or staying away from pedestrian crossings, you should be perfectly all right.  Because after all, the person most likely to kill you while on holiday…is YOU!

So as the renowned Slav philosopher Boris puts it: “Welcome to Lithuania – Try not to die!”