10 things you must do while in Lithuania

I should perhaps point out that by “must,” I mean that I highly recommend them. There are no angry people standing by at the airport to make sure that you actually complete the list before leaving the country. It is quite possible to visit Lithuania without doing any of these things, and most visitors will not have the time to do half of them. I do however hope that some might find the list inspirational.






The Palanga pier. The place to be in summer for successful people.

#1 Eat cepelinai in one of the restaurants in Basanavičiaus street in Palanga

...drive a brand new BMW to the end of the pier and have a swim in the Baltic sea. Make sure you successfully bribe any police officers that try to disturb you. Then go back to the restaurant, pay the band to play only your requests all night and keep drinking Lithuanian vodka until you can safely pass out in your bed at one of the luxury hotels. Still wearing your expensive tracksuit, with the zipper casually pulled down to expose your golden chain dandling elegantly above your black tank top, and your plastic slippers. You can the later wake up knowing that you have just lived the Lithuanian dream – at least the male version of it.




Vilnius TV-Tower. It is quite tall enough for most people.

#2: Take the elevator up to the top of the Vilnius TV-tower

...wait for an agonizing 30 seconds until the elevator has stopped bobbing up and down, and enter the rotating restaurant. Have a cup of coffee and some cake while you enjoy the undisputed best view of the city, and send give some thought to the workers who, according to legend, had to be issued special rations of vodka to be able to do construction work at such altitudes.




A budget hotel room. A stay in one of these during winter can lead to many fruitful reflections. 

#3: Freeze your ass off in a budget hotel

...with most of the lights off, while drinking Lithuanian vodka and flicking through the Lithuanian and Russian TV channels. All while hoping that tomorrows hot shower will hold a temperature of at least 25 degrees and reminding yourself that you can afford to stay at decent hotels if you want to.



The swans of Trakai. Ready to trade attention for breadcrumbs on short notice

#4: Paddle around the Trakai castle

Bring some bags of breadcrumbs to make friends with the swans, and you will have a majestic escort for the entire voyage. Trakai is one of the most popular tourist sites in Lithuania, so it is quite likely that that you have friends or colleagues that have been there. But only you swam with the swans. (the Lithuanian word for swimming is the same as the ones used to describe how a boat moves through water, so yes – you really did “swim” with the swans).




A typical soviet dinner plate - as it is recreated at Grutas Park

#5: Go to Grutas Park

...and see some of the old communist statues that used to adorn Lithuanian cities, and get a visual impression of what life was like during the communist years. All while educational music or propaganda is being shouted at you from speakers mounted on (rather poorly) reconstructed guard towers. At Grutas Park, you even have a chance to address the local soviet in the reconstructed assembly hall, complete with speakers stand, voting booth and everything. Afterwards, you can enjoy a nice communist dinner at the local diner. My personal favorite.



Parts of it might look a bit like the basement of your crazy uncle, but this place was actually capable of destroying four major cities

#6: Go stand in the place of evil

Visit the Plokstine missile base and stand in the actual place where the missile aimed at one of Europe’s largest cities were once ready to launch. See the primitive guiding systems, and contemplate how easy it in fact can be to kill lots of innocent people with relatively simple means. Any well reflected human being should leave this place with a reduced interest in war history.




What does Baltimore and Vilnius have in common? Well, at least they have Frank Zappa.

  

#7: Have a cigarette while leaning against the monument in over Frank Zappa,

and meditate on how millions of smart people smoke every day despite being well aware that it will eventually kill them. Like it perhaps also killed Zappa, whose head (not the actual one) now rests on top of a cigarette-shaped stainless steel post in Vilnius. For a long time the only Zappa monument in the world, until someone ruined everything by making a second one.

Hill of crosses. Unfortunately, I can`t find my own pictures from when I visited, so I had to resort to wikipedia.

#8: Visit the hill of crosses

Yes, everyone goes, and yes, it is just a pile of crosses in the middle of nowhere, but have you ever considered how odd this place really is? A bunch of people simply decided to start putting similarly looking objects in the same place, and after some time it really took off. Makes you wonder if there could ever be such a thing as “the hill of old cell phones” or “hill of abandoned sofas”.  After all, Oslo already has its “hill of redundant baby pacifiers”. 










Thomas Mann’s summerhouse. Where he hardly spent any time at all

#9: Go to Neringa and have a picnic outside Thomas Mann’s summerhouse

Eat some locally smoked (and globally endangered) eel, drink some kvass and contemplate the complexity of life. Like for instance, how ironic it is that this Nobel laureate was denied access to his summerhouse by both Hitler and Stalin, although at different times and for different reasons. All while you thoughtfully gaze at the muddy waters of the Curonian lagoon.




Lithuanian bread served in a creative way

#10: Have some bread

Lithuanian bread is reputed to be the best in the world, at least in Lithuania, and there is quite a bit of truth to this. The very filling, dark rye bread is rich in flavor, and can be enjoyed in various ways. Either traditionally (along with a little Lašinukas and some onion), creatively (you can for instance have soup served in it), or irresponsibly (fried in plenty of oil, and served with melted cheese). The latter variant is sometimes also known as Lithuanian nachos.

Lašinukas. Goes well with bread



Lithuanian nachos

Recommended related post: Suggested program for a one weekvisit to Lithuania

Top ten signs that you are becoming a Lithuanian

Visitors staying for longer periods of time in Lithuania can be vulnerable to cultural influence, and this process can even go unnoticed if you are unaware of its symptoms. According to the collective wisdom of the Internet, and my own experiences, the top ten signs that you are turning Lithuanian are:




It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. A concept perhaps lost on most people,
but for many Lithuanians it makes perfect sense 

#1: You somehow manage to view Lithuania as both the best place on the face of the earth, and the worst place on the face of the earth – simultaneously. This is a clear sign that your mind is turning Lithuanian, particularly if you are able to argue the case of both claims at the same time.

Your typical neighborhood shop. For some reason it look better from a distance.
When considered from half a continent away, it can even seem glorious.

#2: You have developed a strange and irrational passion for basketball, and feel compelled to stay indoors whenever there is an important basketball match on TV. Even if you are not watching it, it seems unnecessary to make this fact obvious by leaving the house.

A satellite receiver with its own message to send.

#3: You have constructed a greenhouse and small vegetable garden in the back yard, and hold a holy conviction that they are yielding some of the finest produce the world has ever seen.

A typical Lithuanian greenhouse. Home of superior produce -
regardless of soil, water quality, and similar trifles

#4: You consider using seatbelts in a car a sign of weakness, and the fact that this is mandatory even for passengers in the back seats in many countries as a violation of human rights.

Real men drive real cars, and can take care of themselves in case there is an accident.
So where is the Logics in fining them for not acting like sissies and wearing seatbelts?

#5: You have a sneaking suspicion that “Do not enter” signs are aimed at you specifically, and therefore are reasons in themselves to enter and see what all the fuzz is about.

When Lithuanians see a "do not enter" sign, they of course have to see what is so important that it deserves a sign.
 Hence the path.

6#: You follow the prices of petrol closer than stockbrokers follow the stock markets, and always know where to fill up the tank without being ripped off.

Driving is fun. The sneaking suspicion that you may have slightly overpaied for fuel is not fun.

#7: For some reason, you are always running out of garlic. Despite the fact that you buy some every time you go shopping.



Garlic. One of natures' many reminders that minor things can make a big difference.

#8: During winter, you sometimes consider opening a window in order to raise the temperature in the room.

According to among others Marilyn Monroe, "Some like it hot". Lithuanians on the other hand do not. A reasonable explanation to this can be found in the Lithuanian energy prices.

#9: You are more afraid of crossing the street at a zebra crossing, than anywhere else

A Lithuanian pedestrian crossing. Where your own sense of safety quickly can become your worst enemy.

#10: When a stranger smiles at you in the street, you immediately know that something is wrong.



A good-hearted Lithuanian woman greeting visitors with a traditional friendly face.

If you already have developed several of these symptoms, it might be time to go back home for some time and rest. But I must warn that once you develop symptom #1, or what in many ways can be said to be the final stages, the condition might well be irreversible.

That thing in the horizon is mainland Lithuania. If you stay there for too long, nothing will ever be the same.

Many emigrants suffer from this condition. Having first left Lithuania because they felt it was the worst place in the world, they later develop a perception while in exile that it is also the best place in the world. Only to later return to Lithuania and once again announce that it is the worst place in the world, even though they came back because it is ACTUALLY the best place in the world. These two competing perceptions seem to be able to coexist without any problems, regardless of where the individual chooses to live.