As I am a
passionate consumer of canned goods, I always check out what food items are
available in preserved form in the countries that I visit. It can give you a
bit of a rare insight into the national character to see what people regard as
worth while to put into a can. And even more – what they are willing to eat
from a can.
This time,
while visiting Lithuania, I was lucky enough to stumble upon a real gem. Both
in terms of “the canned culinary experience”, and in terms of cultural insight.
And although it is not actually produced in Lithuania, it is sold here. Ladies
and (for the most part, I guess) gentlemen – I give you: The magnificent
“outdoor kitchen” line. A complete collection of conserves for all your needs.
#1 The drivers can (Vairuotojų užkandis)
The fat is
still liquid and the whole things is very much recognizable as pig. The texture
is very nice, with good bite resistance. Not too salty, and with a very good
taste of pig’s fat. I would not be surprised if this is a Lithuanian favourite.
If you are on a diet, you can always strain the fat. And even if you don`t –
this is still healthier than Snickers for lunch
But if you
have women around – throw the can out after eating. The smell may bring back
happy memories for you, but it may not have the same effect on everybody. On
the other hand, at just above 500 calories, and with the edges of your mouth
dripping with liquid fat – What’s not to like? A driver could do much worse.
But
seriously, get rid of the can as soon as you can – the smell will drive you
crazy. It even leaves a mark on your urine for at least 24 hours. That
unmistakable smell of pig’s fat.
#2 The bicyclist can (Dviratininko enegija)
Well, you
know you have eaten at least after this meal. The long fibres stuck to your
teeth are a constant reminder of that. Didn`t like it much, and the texture is
largely to blame.
Completely
unremarkable and quite tasteless. I would recommend adding some boiled peas and
such, for the texture. Rather shitty when compared to the first can, even
though the meat was probably better. Not much more to say, really. Perhaps
bicyclists are easier to please than motorists?
#3 The builder can (Statybininko stiprumas)
By far the best
tasting one yet. Lots of liquid fat that you can leave in the can, if you want
to. Good texture. It is clear that they have saved their top product for their
number one target group. This is an absolutely acceptable meal for a builder –
in combination with a good beverage. This product can keep you well-nourished
for your entire visit to Lithuania. A saturating and yet gentle taste, truly
worthy of a man. And if you are famished, you can always drink the liquid fat.
At only a very modest number of calories per 100g, you can actually afford to.
And as a
general rule – it is always a good sign when the can sprays a little fat on you
when opening – just to say hello
#4 Dinner by the water (Vakariene prie vandens)
After
coming up with such an unusually poetic title, you would imagine they would
take the trouble to at least mince and compress the meat a bit. But that aside,
the taste was very nice. Why it had to be swimming in fat, I do not know but
there is probably a very good Latvian reason for that.
 |
| Seriously, it looks a bit like that vat of aligator Food I saw in a James Bond Movie |
Anyway, this is one of
the best in the range, and definitely the best if you are looking for a light
snack. Despite the fact that it was bordering on chicken soup. Who decided that
chicken was best suited for water activities I do nok know, but this can will
anyway keep you at least four hours away from starvation if you are out paddling
or fishing, or doing any other traditional form of water activity. Coming in at
second best, this this can is as fresh as if it was laid down the same morning.
And it is thereby a true example of the superiority of conserves when it comes
to food preservation.
Real men
eat to defeat hunger. At least those real men that are content with getting
their meal from a can. And the manufacturers behind this line seem to have
achieved this insight. They anyway seem to very much cater to those men, by
labelling each can with a specific male activity. Like driving or building. You
won’t find any cans saying:
“For when
writing your PhD has kept you up all night” – The doctors delight
“For when you
just can`t eat another foile gras” – the Francophiles friend
“For when
square roots have gotten the better of you” – the mathematicians friend
In fact,
the world of conserved food still has a long way to go, and sadly this line of
products is only too politically correct. It doesn`t cover some of the other
situations in which a man needs a readymade and unpretentious meal. Such
situations could be:
“Hung over
without helpful women around” – The drunkards relief
“Forgot to
shop in time and has empty fridge” – The disorganized man’s best friend
“Has broken
fridge and no money to buy a new one” – The poor man’s pillar
“Traveling,
but does not want to overcomplicate eating arrangements” – The globetrotters
gold
With a few
such additions, this genius line of canned goods will be complete. It will
cover all the situations in which a man will have to provide food for himself.
And as long as the manufacturers make sure that long time use does not causes malnutrition
(at least not if combined with beer and vodka) we are well on our way to my
futuristic vision – the grocery shop for MEN. A shop that only stocks the 100
products that you really need. Including your 10 basic canned meals, and your
20 different brands of vodka.
Yes, we CAN!
