Should I learn some Lithuanian before going to Lithuania?

The short answer is "no, don`t bother". People will most likely not understand you anyway, and even if they do, most of them will be laughing their asses off over your terrible pronounciation. That will probably settle the case for most people, but there are always some stubborn individuals who percist in defying both authorities and common sense once they have gotten an idea in their heads. For those pig-headed polyglots I have only one thing to say: "Have at it!". Here are a few tips along the way:

1. Speak loud and Clear. Shout if you do not find it inappropriate

Bring me some CEPELINIAIAI!!! Your hand written Samogitian menus do not scare me!

2. Have confidence. Preferably overconfidence

You need to seem convinced that you are speaking correctly, in either one language or another. Speakers of Lithuanian can smell inconfidence and interpret it as a sign of weakness. If bread is pronounced DUUUUUNA from your perspective, then stand your ground. They will eventually understand.

"KURR TOOOOALETTASS?"

Just give it some time, and people will understand.

After all, these people even manage to understand EACHOTHER.

3. Be immune to laughter

Remember that Lithuanians are not supposed to smile or be happy in public, and maintain a serious face. They too will soon remember this and stop laughing. Also remember that you willingly put yourself in this situation.

"GALLUUU HIER ZU PARKIERAMS???"

You are of course being ridiculous, but she might rather let you park on her lawn

than risk being seen laughing in a public place

4.Go with what you know (or think you know)

If you can provide a nice bouquet of words that are more or less correct for the occation, some bystander gifted in riddles will eventually figure out what you want.

Aš nori WEATHER COCK zu pirkt!!!

Anyone trying to sell this overpriced product will get you at once

5. If all else fails, switch to PR English and speak it PERFECTLY

Try using the most difficult and uncommon words that you can think of (preferrably try to channel Steven Fry). This will remind them of their own short-comings, and will usually result in a much more undertanding atmosphere. (This one actually helped me out of a traffic ticket once)

"Jevvla møkakjering so gje meg sild og ost i syltetøyglas

når eg klart å tydele har bestilt kjøtbolla. Skulla hatt i rævæ me øks"

OR:

"Dear lady, I believe that there has been a minor mix-up with regards to the orders leading up to this meal. You see, I do not so much crave herring as I am inclined towards a more meaty-type dish. And I believed that to be our mutual understanding of the situation.....hmmm? Am I much mistaken...? 

PS: Never leave a potential insult hanging, so if you think the waitress is seecretly ridiculing you in her native Sanskrit-like language while leaving your table - curse her right back in your local dialect! Insecurity works both ways.

Can you flush paper in Lithuania?

The answer is of course: Yes, you can. Whether it is advisable on the other hand, is a different matter. There are at least no shortage of signs in public toilets warning people against flushing paper:




A common sight in Lithuanian public restrooms 

 

 

The reason for this remains a mystery to me. Even though blocked sewage obviously is a recurring problem in Lithuania, I still struggle to identify the actual reason. Locals usually give a variety of different explanations to this phenomenon:

 

-          The toilets are not powerful enough to flush the paper thoroughly (hard to believe in the case of toilets on the 10^th floor, with gravity on their side)

-          The pipes are not big enough for the paper to pass through (seems hard to believe, since 10 cm pipe is the standard going out from the toilet, just like in the west)

-          Toilet paper upsets the biological processes in the septic tank (the bacteria in my Norwegian septic tank seem to be oblivious to this fact, since they are handling the situation rather well)

-          The pipes in the ground are laid at such a small angle because of the flat terrain that they clog easily (so, how do they solve this in Holland?)

 

Needless to say, I don`t believe that any one of these factors alone can explain the situation. It is perhaps some kind of combination of circumstances.

 

Even Polish and Russians need a reminer

So what to do? To be on the safe side, I would follow the example of the locals – use the bin and pack your own roll of toilet paper when going out. Or simply don`t go at all.

 




Use the bin. That way, they "don`t have shit on you"!

Driving in Lithuania

Driving in Lithuania might sound scary to some people, and to a certain extent there is also cause for concern. The country is a leading European nation when it comes to both traffic deaths and drunk driving, and many of the roads are in terrible condition. The latter is largely due to a combination of the country being relatively flat with high levels of ground water, and the soil being rather silty. This leaves the roads quite vulnerable to frost damages, and with funds for maintenance in short supply this leads to quite many potholes. All year around, even in the larger cities. So if you are fuzzy about your car – don`t bring it to Lithuania.





The Lithuanian countryside - if your suspension can make it the, it can make it anywhere

The drives on the other hand are surprisingly polite, and an ignorant tourist can grant himself many a mistake before being horned by fellow motorists. In comparison, Scandinavian drivers are much less forgiving. Traffic is also less aggressive than in many other countries in Eastern Europe, like for instance Poland. This is perhaps due to the fact the markings on the road, for instance those separating the various lines, quite often are not visible, leaving drivers to “figure things out for themselves”. In any case, driving in Lithuania was much more relaxing than I had expected. Even though I almost killed a couple of people, including myself, other drivers hardly raised an eyebrow.




Driving in Lithuania sometimes calls for some patience with your fellow motorists

Pedestrians on the other hand, is a different matter. In the cushy west, we are used to these frail creatures of traffic being protected in all possible ways. In Lithuania however, they are made much more responsible for their own survival. Here, a pedestrian crossing is in no way a safe haven. It is merely some stripes on the asphalt where you are more likely to be run over than elsewhere. You can never take for granted that a car will give way and let you cross, regardless of whether you are a small child or an aging grandmother in a wheelchair. The reason for this remains a mystery – it could the anything from some eastern resentment for weakness to some sort of national psychosis. In any case, being aware of this fact could save your life.




Perhaps the most Dangerous Place in Lithuanian traffic.
I may look peaceful, but death could be lurking around the corner.

 

 

One should also be aware that all kinds of thing might appear on the road. Not only potholes and drunk drives, but also anything from strange objects pertruding from the surface of the road, to missing manhole covers and stray dogs or farm animals. Particularly in rural areas. Although such things are rarely dangerous, it is striking how most Lithuanians seem to have learned to live with these things and find them rather unremarkable.

 




A strange object protruding from the surface of the road. Widely considered as normal in Lithuania.

 

Although many smaller roads can be rather bad, with the poorly maintained gravel roads connecting the smaller villages as the worst examples, many of the larger motorways have great standards. Particularly those connecting the larger cities like the Via Baltica. Those roads quite often exceed the standards of many roads in the west, and in Scandinavia inparticular. A simple proof that Lithuanians can build good roads that survives winter if they want to – or can afford to. I suspect the chose to to constant repairs on the poorer roads because this is cheaper than to build proper ones.

A properly constructed road

 

 

Another rather annoying factor when driving on larger roads in Lithuania is the many ugly billboards that litter the landscape. How anyone can decide to change their cell phone subscription after seeing some tacky add on a rusty sign in some potato field along the road is beyond me, but this seems to be a considerable industry in Lithuania. Although it does not add much to the scenery, it is perhaps an unavoidable evil. If nothing else, it is at a good reminder that the country is now an integrated part of the decadent and decaying west, where everything is for sale. Even the view.  

One of Lithuanias many ugly billboards

 

Soviet elevators

As a strong supporter of unpretentious functionality, I am of course also a strong supporter of the old soviet elevators. They either perform the task they were supposed to do, or give clear indication that they are unable to do so. And they do it in a simple and uncomplicated manner. After all, are there any reason why we need so much space in an elevator? Do the doors really have to close gently in a reassuring way? Most of the time you are alone in the elevator anyway, and your primary concern is to be transported either up or down. The soviet elevator takes care of this problem and wastes little time on all the fuzzy details.




Your standard soviet elevator. If you do not fit through the door,
your should probably take the stairs. For several reasons.

Using these elevators in many ways also resembles a small visit to the amusement park, with the ride itself giving associations to a rollercoaster and the shock of the doors slamming open being somewhat similar to experiences one might have on the haunted house ride. But if these things frighten you, some comfort can be drawn from resting your eyes on the easy to clean imitated wooden panels. It is also perfectly acceptable to relive oneself of internal gas in such elevators, since many of them smell like sewage anyway. A phenomenon most probably related to the frequent sewage leaks in Lithuania, in combination with a soviet weakness for placing such drains near the elevator shafts.

 

Ever wondered wheter you pressed the button or not?
This is not an issue in soviet elevators.

In any case, these elevators offer an insight into a time when things were less complicated. When society did not have to cater to every little need, and claustrophobic people could be redirected to the staircase. I hope they never run out of spare parts for these elevators. They truly moved me.