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Monday, 5 June 2017

Lithuania - the safe choice to avoid terrorism

With the world in turmoil after yet another cowardly terrorist attack against one of the most popular travel destinations of the world, the British Prime Minister now proclaims that “things have to change”. That is perhaps also the thought going through the minds of many holiday makers these days. How to stay safe while on holiday? How to avoid getting killed by terrorists while enjoying my vacation? Something must change! But what!

As luck will have it, the answer to this question is rather obvious. It is time to take control of your own risk – it is time to seek refuge in irrelevance. Terrorists are simple people, and they tend to lack imagination when it comes to picking targets. They seem to prefer larger cities in the more famous countries, such as Paris or London. You can turn this geographical ignorance to your advantage by going the other way – to the lesser known parts of Europe, like for instance Lithuania.

Destination Lithuania
The land of Vytis - the unknown holiday paradise for people seeking safety

Over the years, many refugees that later turned terrorists or raised children that grew up to become terrorists, have fled to Europe. But there are however countries that not even potential terrorists bothered to flee to - and Lithuania is among them. This, in combination with the fact that Lithuania is one of the least popular tourist destinations in Europe, makes it the perfect place to go for a terrorism-free holiday.

Destination Lithuania
Nothing spells safety quite lite the Lithuanian countryside
(although this photo is from a museum)

And why stop there? For maximum risk-reduction I recommend seeking out the least popular parts of the country as your destination, just to be on the safe side. Since Lithuanians themselves seem to be fleeing the countryside and flocking to the cities, I guess a nice little village would be the perfect spot. Some kind of “Kaimo turizmas”, perhaps? A nice little guest house by a quiet lake where grandma can cook you pancakes while you sip your vodka.  On the other hand, the well-renowned Russian head of state Vladimir Putin has on several occasions warned against these country-side retreats being terrorist breeding grounds (so-called "Kaimo terrorizmas"), so it might still be wise to stay alert.

Destination Lithuania
The real deal - no terrorists in sight 

Putin himself actually constitutes the only military threat to the area at the moment, at least if we are to believe NATO, but this threat is probably exaggerated. After all, last time I checked there were plenty of potato fields in Russia, so there is hardly any call for an invasion. But on the odd chance that there will be one, it is probably a good idea to stay clear of the Russian tanks and rehearse the phrase “I am here as a tourist” in Russian. Most likely you will be OK. At least if you are in a village. So I guess it boils down to what kind of risk you prefer – Putin or IS.

Destination Lithuania
Lithuania is every bit as full of non-muslim infidels as the rest of Europe,
yet their eastern way of life is rarely attacked.  

I personally prefer the former, and will be holidaying in the rural parts of Lithuania yet again. Where it is nice and safe. Lithuania in general has one of the most ethnically homogenous populations in Europe, and this practically makes Lithuanian villages conformity heaven. In terms of personal freedom of expression and such this can of course be a bit of a drawback, but in terms of safety it is a great advantage. People will spot anyone looking like a potential terrorist immediately and will keep a close eye on him to see if he behaves terrorist-like. And if he does, we can rest assured that he will be dealt with swiftly. Because even though most Lithuanians do not own guns, they are still well equipped with more traditional weapons such as hammers, axes, knives and pitchforks. And their skill level in handling these weapons is such that they can be expected to eliminate any terrorist threat almost momentarily.

Destination Lithuania
A firm Lithuanian rural woman - ready ro respond to any threat a the drop of a hat



The rest is entirely up to you. Going to Lithuania is not completely without risk, but if you follow a few basic guidelines, like not getting stinking drunk while gambling with prostitutes and gangsters, or staying away from pedestrian crossings, you should be perfectly all right.  Because after all, the person most likely to kill you while on holiday…is YOU!

So as the renowned Slav philosopher Boris puts it: “Welcome to Lithuania – Try not to die!”