As luck
will have it, the answer to this question is rather obvious. It is time to take
control of your own risk – it is time to seek refuge in irrelevance. Terrorists
are simple people, and they tend to lack imagination when it comes to picking targets.
They seem to prefer larger cities in the more famous countries, such as Paris
or London. You can turn this geographical ignorance to your advantage by going
the other way – to the lesser known parts of Europe, like for instance Lithuania.
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| The land of Vytis - the unknown holiday paradise for people seeking safety |
Over the
years, many refugees that later turned terrorists or raised children that grew
up to become terrorists, have fled to Europe. But there are however countries
that not even potential terrorists bothered to flee to - and Lithuania is among
them. This, in combination with the fact that Lithuania is one of the least
popular tourist destinations in Europe, makes it the perfect place to go for a
terrorism-free holiday.
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Nothing spells safety quite lite the Lithuanian countryside
(although this photo is from a museum)
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And why stop
there? For maximum risk-reduction I recommend seeking out the least popular
parts of the country as your destination, just to be on the safe side. Since
Lithuanians themselves seem to be fleeing the countryside and flocking to the
cities, I guess a nice little village would be the perfect spot. Some kind of “Kaimo
turizmas”, perhaps? A nice little guest house by a quiet lake where grandma can
cook you pancakes while you sip your vodka. On the other hand,
the well-renowned Russian head of state Vladimir Putin has on several occasions
warned against these country-side retreats being terrorist breeding grounds (so-called "Kaimo terrorizmas"), so
it might still be wise to stay alert.
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| The real deal - no terrorists in sight |
Putin
himself actually constitutes the only military threat to the area at the
moment, at least if we are to believe NATO, but this threat is probably
exaggerated. After all, last time I checked there were plenty of potato fields
in Russia, so there is hardly any call for an invasion. But on the odd chance
that there will be one, it is probably a good idea to stay clear of the Russian
tanks and rehearse the phrase “I am here as a tourist” in Russian. Most likely
you will be OK. At least if you are in a village. So I guess it boils down to
what kind of risk you prefer – Putin or IS.
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Lithuania is every bit as full of non-muslim infidels as the rest of Europe,
yet their eastern way of life is rarely attacked.
|
I
personally prefer the former, and will be holidaying in the rural parts of
Lithuania yet again. Where it is nice and safe. Lithuania in general has one of
the most ethnically homogenous populations in Europe, and this practically
makes Lithuanian villages conformity heaven. In terms of personal freedom of
expression and such this can of course be a bit of a drawback, but in terms of
safety it is a great advantage. People will spot anyone looking like a
potential terrorist immediately and will keep a close eye on him to see if he
behaves terrorist-like. And if he does, we can rest assured that he will be
dealt with swiftly. Because even though most Lithuanians do not own guns, they
are still well equipped with more traditional weapons such as hammers, axes,
knives and pitchforks. And their skill level in handling these weapons is such
that they can be expected to eliminate any terrorist threat almost momentarily.
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| A firm Lithuanian rural woman - ready ro respond to any threat a the drop of a hat |
The rest is
entirely up to you. Going to Lithuania is not completely without risk, but if
you follow a few basic guidelines, like not getting stinking drunk while
gambling with prostitutes and gangsters, or staying away from pedestrian
crossings, you should be perfectly all right. Because after all, the person most likely to
kill you while on holiday…is YOU!
So as the
renowned Slav philosopher Boris puts it: “Welcome to Lithuania – Try not to
die!”
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