Dining on canned food in Lithuania

As I am a passionate consumer of canned goods, I always check out what food items are available in preserved form in the countries that I visit. It can give you a bit of a rare insight into the national character to see what people regard as worth while to put into a can. And even more – what they are willing to eat from a can.

This time, while visiting Lithuania, I was lucky enough to stumble upon a real gem. Both in terms of “the canned culinary experience”, and in terms of cultural insight. And although it is not actually produced in Lithuania, it is sold here. Ladies and (for the most part, I guess) gentlemen – I give you: The magnificent “outdoor kitchen” line. A complete collection of conserves for all your needs.

#1 The drivers can (Vairuotojų užkandis)

The fat is still liquid and the whole things is very much recognizable as pig. The texture is very nice, with good bite resistance. Not too salty, and with a very good taste of pig’s fat. I would not be surprised if this is a Lithuanian favourite. If you are on a diet, you can always strain the fat. And even if you don`t – this is still healthier than Snickers for lunch 

But if you have women around – throw the can out after eating. The smell may bring back happy memories for you, but it may not have the same effect on everybody. On the other hand, at just above 500 calories, and with the edges of your mouth dripping with liquid fat – What’s not to like? A driver could do much worse. 

But seriously, get rid of the can as soon as you can – the smell will drive you crazy. It even leaves a mark on your urine for at least 24 hours. That unmistakable smell of pig’s fat.

#2 The bicyclist can (Dviratininko enegija)

Well, you know you have eaten at least after this meal. The long fibres stuck to your teeth are a constant reminder of that. Didn`t like it much, and the texture is largely to blame.

Completely unremarkable and quite tasteless. I would recommend adding some boiled peas and such, for the texture. Rather shitty when compared to the first can, even though the meat was probably better. Not much more to say, really. Perhaps bicyclists are easier to please than motorists?

#3 The builder can (Statybininko stiprumas)

By far the best tasting one yet. Lots of liquid fat that you can leave in the can, if you want to. Good texture. It is clear that they have saved their top product for their number one target group. This is an absolutely acceptable meal for a builder – in combination with a good beverage. This product can keep you well-nourished for your entire visit to Lithuania. A saturating and yet gentle taste, truly worthy of a man. And if you are famished, you can always drink the liquid fat. At only a very modest number of calories per 100g, you can actually afford to. 

And as a general rule – it is always a good sign when the can sprays a little fat on you when opening – just to say hello 

#4 Dinner by the water (Vakariene prie vandens)

After coming up with such an unusually poetic title, you would imagine they would take the trouble to at least mince and compress the meat a bit. But that aside, the taste was very nice. Why it had to be swimming in fat, I do not know but there is probably a very good Latvian reason for that. 

Seriously, it looks a bit like that vat of aligator Food I saw in a James Bond Movie 

Anyway, this is one of the best in the range, and definitely the best if you are looking for a light snack. Despite the fact that it was bordering on chicken soup. Who decided that chicken was best suited for water activities I do nok know, but this can will anyway keep you at least four hours away from starvation if you are out paddling or fishing, or doing any other traditional form of water activity. Coming in at second best, this this can is as fresh as if it was laid down the same morning. And it is thereby a true example of the superiority of conserves when it comes to food preservation.

Real men eat to defeat hunger. At least those real men that are content with getting their meal from a can. And the manufacturers behind this line seem to have achieved this insight. They anyway seem to very much cater to those men, by labelling each can with a specific male activity. Like driving or building. You won’t find any cans saying:

“For when writing your PhD has kept you up all night” – The doctors delight

“For when you just can`t eat another foile gras” – the Francophiles friend

“For when square roots have gotten the better of you” – the mathematicians friend

In fact, the world of conserved food still has a long way to go, and sadly this line of products is only too politically correct. It doesn`t cover some of the other situations in which a man needs a readymade and unpretentious meal. Such situations could be:

“Hung over without helpful women around” – The drunkards relief

“Forgot to shop in time and has empty fridge” – The disorganized man’s best friend

“Has broken fridge and no money to buy a new one” – The poor man’s pillar

“Traveling, but does not want to overcomplicate eating arrangements” – The globetrotters gold

With a few such additions, this genius line of canned goods will be complete. It will cover all the situations in which a man will have to provide food for himself. And as long as the manufacturers make sure that long time use does not causes malnutrition (at least not if combined with beer and vodka) we are well on our way to my futuristic vision – the grocery shop for MEN. A shop that only stocks the 100 products that you really need. Including your 10 basic canned meals, and your 20 different brands of vodka.

Yes, we CAN!